♥cetera desunt.

I think, I think too much. About everything.
Stress is just a state of mind, and what a state my mind has been in these past few days. Fatigue crept in slowly, and now it's rushing through my veins. Because every small comment eats my up inside and makes me want to hit somebody and cry. Because not hearing the words I want to make me feel irrelevant and because low red numbers over 20 make me feel like I've wasted so much time and energy for absolutely nothing.
The echoes in my head are haunting me. "You're gonna be great... You're gonna do politics... You're gonna get out of here... You're all I need... Why did your Spanish grades go down?... Can you please do my French homework?... I'm having an awesome time in school!... What have you been upto?..."
Everybody's chatter is ringing incessantly in my ears and I don't want anything to do with them. It's the type of feeling you hold in, because once you let everybody know of a raging monster inside you ripping you apart to let loose, everyone will surely have a different, now stained image of you. What if I don't want to be great? Ok, scratch that. I do want to. But what if I want to do it on my own terms? What if even though every step of this journey scares me, I still want to stand on my own and not have to look up to someone all throughout the way? What if I don't want to do your homework, and what if you understood that that Spanish grade was because the teacher hasn't been teaching me shit these past moths? What if I don't care, despite you being my best friend that your school life is going well? What if I know that all the things you say, you specifically phrase as to not come out obviously bitchy but still have that tinge to it? What if I let you clearly know that I got him now, and that it's best you leave him alone?
I'm not great, and I don't need anyone telling me I'm perfect. Especially not you. Because you're the person I would beat myself up the most for disappointing you. You put me on a too high pedestal while she constantly tries to sink me low. I don't know who to believe, but I do know that a cynic part of my brain is growing more and more, while a vulnerable mind is starting to believe her more and more. I will not give in to this insecurity I do not even posses -yet.


The faces all around me they don't smile they just crack. Waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back. We do our time like pennies in a jar. What are we saving for?
There's a smell of stale fear that's reeking from our skins. The drinking never stops because the drinks absolve our sins. We sit and grow our roots into the floor. But what are we waiting for? So give me something to believe.
Cause I am living just to breathe, and I need something more to keep on breathing for.
So give me something to believe.

I smell like you.

I wish I had more time to do something else. Wasting away, as I stare at the clock ticking every second away, I find myself always waiting for that bell i hate so much. Every 50 minutes, it's always the same 5 second sound that marks the end of a period. And then I get home and realize I've wasted so much of my day.
All this time I've been half listening, half thinking of whatever random thought that just popped in my head. I could have been doing something more productive.
And then I get home and get some more work done. Too pumped up from stress brought adrenaline, late nights and tired mornings are what fill my days. Is it friday yet? Is it friday yet? Is it friday yet? Shit. It's sunday evening already.
I wish I had more time to think things through, make a list of my thoughts, organize them in clean drawers and be able to sort them out and pull them out easier. I wish I had more time to write. I wish I had more time to laugh. I wish I had more time to breathe.
The ironic paradox is that time doesn't go fast enough and boredom creeps through my veins as restlessness settles in. I'm going over the edge.

26.09.09
Hey... I'm really x100 sorry about tonight... Ur probably gna ask why, bt im sure u knw... And yea... Although im pretty drunk and confused and in a really fucked up situation right now im happy that i somehow managed to say whats been runnin thru my head lately (in a very orthodox way :P)... And im glad that had the chance to do that... This myt make things a bit awkward tomorrow but still...
I know i fucked up but i hope u understand why i did what i did... I cant really tell u everything i want say right now thru txt but im sure ill get another chance to. So just think about it...
Nyt nyt :)

11.10.09
-where u?
-was waiting for the car outside. Just got in.
-stop the car!
[...]
-thank you :)
-youre crazy!
-its k, got what i wanted :)

15.10.09
Hey sexy ;) just wanted to say goodnight... Although youre probably sleeping already i just wanted you to know that youre on my mind right now. Sorry if i disturbed ur sleep. :)

01.11.09
Sorry for the late reply. I think im pmsing too. Maube its just cause i miss you :(
and because i dont get to tell you enough how beautiful and amazing you are.

Ps: it wasnt the hangover talking.

05.11.09
I really miss you right now ;(

11.11.09
Galieo Galilei, Sir Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, no one on this earth could derive a formula explaining how you came to be. You are the work of angels. ;)
I miss you :(

12.11.09
Spending time with you can be compared to a cool breeze on a hot summers day. Did you know? The breeze refreshes you, makes you thankful for being there, makes you take a deep breath and relaxes you. Its a pleasurable moment which makes you forget about everything else around you and all your problems, something which will leave you smiling, satisfied and wanting more. :)

14.11.09
Hey beautiful. Im too tired to be corny tonight. Im just gonna say that i had a reaaally nice time with you tonight. :) Well whats new? :P
Thanks again for being so damn awesome. Night night <3

22.11.09
I often complain about the things I want but can't get. Clothes, cars, money... Who doesn't? But now I just realized that the value of all that wouldn't even come close to matching 5 seconds spent with you. So what am I complaining about? Night baby.

29.11.09
I love you.

It's been awhile. The view from up here isn't as good as I though it'd be. Everything's blurry, hazy. Distant calls and echoes are all that resonate in my ears. You might as well be screaming in my ears and yet all I'd hear is a faint whisper. Slow motion in a fast paced world. It seems like days go on and on for hours unend, nights turn into days and weekdays into weekends. The same cycle of alcohol filled Saturday nights and hungover sundae mornings fill my months.
So the weeks have turned into months. And what kind of months these ones have been.
Looking through old letters I've tried so hard to keep safe but never had the courage to read through again haunt me as I write this. A younger version of myself now, more innocent and pure, writing to that special someone I let go and casually pass through now. Where did those days go?
The letters and chat history with those three girls I used to call home. The ones I'm linked to forever through that black empty star drawn on my lower hip with permanent ink. Now, the pictures and memories haunt me. Overwhelmed and emotional, I guess I shouldn't be writing now. But I haven't got any tears left in me. I'm so empty, I'm so tired.
Something's not right and I know it. I'm scared. Hell, I always am.
The wake-up call, the ice cold water dip and the slap in the face was what I needed. I have changed. But who hasn't? We all grow up right? All little girls give up their dolls eventually... Why is it so hard for me to do so?

And then these worries suddenly seem so petty when I'm sitting on the passenger seat with your hand in mine. You look at me with that smile and then change the gear with my hand still in yours as I remind you to be careful and look at the road. The windows down and the music loud, I would never want to tell you how good it feels being here, now with you. How I love driving with you and arguing. How we never settle on a radio station and how they all coincidentally relate to us now.
This is what feels right, but as soon as I step out of this, I dip into the real world where all this drama reigns and snowball into a self inflicted bitch hell.
The thing is, no matter how scared I am about the world, myself and you, no matter how much of a coward I feel like, as long as I know that you'll be there at the end of the day to kiss me on the forehead, I know it's going to be okay.

I'm afraid of being too fragile, too vulnerable, too exposed, too bare, too raw and too open. You ask so little of me, and yet it seems like I'm giving way too much already. I've got trust issues and I don't want to be made into a monster after all this, all because I keep coming back to the night where you proved you could be everything yet deadly to me. Everytime, it consumes me entirely. I find myself wondering what will happen when we do get to the bridge we've been building these last few weeks. God, and it feels like so long ago already.

You fucked up. Bad.

But then I still find myself standing in the rain infront of my house barefoot at 1 am with my hands in the back pockets of my shorts and my hair dripping wet staring directly at you as you give me the look while telling me you're trying so hard not to kiss me. After spending the night in, because of the bad weather, eating pizza and changing dvd's every 10 minutes. After you getting high on cold medicine i gave and you dancing and snapping your fingers in the middle of my living room. After everything else that's happened these past few weeks.

What am I supposed to do with you?