♥cetera desunt.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote:


And Hansel said to Gretal: Let us drop these bread crumbs, so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things."

And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been, and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

You know what? Tragedies happen. What are you gonna do, give up? Quit? No. I realize now that when your heart breaks, you've got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are.

And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? They're there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for.

Shaw was right. As we strain to grasp the things we desire, the things we think will make our lives better: money, popularity, fame... we ignore what truly matters, the simple things, like friendship, family, love. The things we probably already had.
So Mr. Shaw thinks that getting your heart's desire is a tragedy? I say he's wrong.

Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire? That's all you can hope for. This year I wished for love... to immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me tragedy. Because I wouldn't give it back for the world.

I'm so sleepy, but these racing thoughts are just buzzing in my head, zooming in and out of perspective. It can't be the weng weng, or the lasting taste of beer and smell of bar.
Well, i guess I'm just gonna go straight to the point.
Cause it's like bungee jumping.

So, why do i pour out my raw uncensored feelings again? Because feelings are like files to me: you need to categorize them and then classify them to fully get a hold of things. Right now, I don't know what I'm feeling. Maybe it's the alcohol talking. Maybe the smell of smoke in my hair and my unwashed face are that are the ones talking. Maybe it's my perfectly straight dress and painful feet that are the ones complaining. I'm tired. I lack sleep. And yet the longing for a feeling I haven't gotten in a while are keeping me up. The reminiscence of the good ol'days when everything seemed easier. People seemed to be happier and being pleased with what life had to offer was more often. I now have a feeling of everytime I'm out that I would rather be home, sleeping or reading a book. The same faces that I see everyday still look like they always do, despite the makeup and the nicer clothes. The music doesn't sound quite as good and the feeling of how I don't want this night to end hasn't been coming around for a while. Maybe it was overdone, maybe now it's routine. The alcohol doesn't take quite as strong and the cigarettes are starting to taste the same polluted air I breathe in every day. Now I know why dressing up isn't as much fun and how laugh seem more superficial and tailor made for well looking pictures to be posted.
I'm frustrated with the fact that the same high I had can never be found again, no matter where I look and how desperately I try to look for it. I'm frustrated with the fact that I know that all these cracks for smiles on people's faces are just for show and how the bass drum coming out from the speakers are just mere reminders of every second wasted waiting. I'm frustrated about how my longing has been so unfulfilled and unsatisfied that I've lost any motivation to look for it anymore. I'm scared to let go even if I know I subconsciously live in the past.
After all, you can't look for what isn't there, and force yourself to see what doesn't seem.

It would be so much easier if I knew what you were so mad about, because I'm not going to apologize for something I didn't do wrong. You telling me you got home is already irrelevant, whether there was alcohol in both our systems or not. It's not fair when you tell me I was "late" because we both know that you were very much well aware about my whereabouts and what I was doing. Whether you blame everything on estrogen or any other hormone is not a fair argument either, because I know that this time, like the past few times that I have done nothing wrong, and I will not plead guilty for something I didn't do. So please, for Christmas and everybody else's sake, give me a break and find another outlet for all your frustrations that I have no control of, because I refuse to take the blame for something you're pointing your finger on me for. I will not beg for your forgiveness for something I didn't even cause. We both have beer goggles on, and just like any other time you have been calling me a liar, which I would have stomached if it actually was the case. But I obviously am not, and therefore I do not see the point of me begging for your forgiveness and trying to prove to you what I mean.
The thing is, other people and I have established the fact that you have to be the one in the middle of any conversation and that you have to be the center of anything going on. I don't know if you know this, and it seems pretty clear that you would deny this fact, but you walking out of a bar because no one seemed to be on the same level as you proves pretty much that point.You were very much aware about what I was doing and calling me a liar and saying that you trusted me was way out of hand. Both of you should take a look in the mirror and realize which one of us has been the one putting this face on because you'd be surprised about what you learn. Because even though you still think that I am your same old little girl, naive and innocent, I won't fall for the same trap again.
I will not apologize for something wrong you claim I did, which I will defend with all my existence that I didn't. Sorry, lost cause.
So please, step out of that bonafied throne you've built about how you seem to think that no one is worthy of your respect, because obviously, no one give a fuck about your dramatics.